I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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