like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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