3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
