I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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