I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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