I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
