So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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