the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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