Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize