My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
