Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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