white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
