just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
