She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
love makes seman taste better
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
