Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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