it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
