life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize