I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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