If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
