I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
