if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
