Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
