Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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