I cockslap morals
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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