not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize