Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
