a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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