How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
