he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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