you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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