Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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