Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
