Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
