I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
