you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
