some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I don't deserve a penis
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Everclear isn't food dammit
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
