I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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