I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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