don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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