You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
