Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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