I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Randomize
