Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She's the barista slut.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
