dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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