david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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