bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
