You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
