My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize