that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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