I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
