My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
