I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
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