I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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