high people should be assigned attendants
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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