my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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