I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
