everyone is single if you try hard enough
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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