My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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