I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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