end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
