using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
